My Little Secrets
by IHeartLogiebear
Summary: James had worked hard to perfect this image, but he couldn't do it anymore. He now realized that his life was nowhere near as good as Kendall's, or even Carlos and Logan's lives. He had not one but three major secrets he'd been keeping from them, and he didn't know how much longer he could hold back. It was only a matter of time before those walls came crashing down. (ONE-SHOT)


**So a new chapter of Journey will be up tomorrow, as well as a new chapter of Thoughts of a Stranger this weekend (most likely tomorrow as well), but today I was in the mood for angsty James and concerned Kendall, so I wrote this. I love James so much, but I cannot resist the James angst:)**

**Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy the story!**

**Warning: Mentions of suicide (nothing major, but some mention of it)**

* * *

When they went to Minnesota, they were expecting a break from the stress. That was working out just fine for Kendall, Carlos, and Logan. James? Not so much. Gustavo decided to invite himself to their trip and the tallest member of Big time Rush was being forced to listen to their producer's constant preference for Kendall and criticism toward himself. He was getting real sick of it.

_"James, you're off key!"_

_ "James, why can't you be more like Kendall?"_

_"You talentless dog!"_

As James sat at a table in a local cafe, across from his blonde haired best friend, he thought about every single hurtful thing that their boss had said. It was always Kendall. Kendall Knight would always be better than him. Shouldn't he be use to that by now? However, what _really _bugged him was when Kendall thought that _James _had it so good. He didn't even _know_.

"James? Are you even listening?"

"Huh?" He looked at Carlos, clearing his throat.

"I was saying that we're planning to go to the rink later."

"Oh, cool." James said. Truthfully, he wasn't in a hockey playing mood. He just wanted to crawl under his covers and lay there for the rest of the week. He didn't know why he was in such a depressed mood, but that was exactly the case. Shortly before the start of their trip, they were in the recording studio and he was the only one Gustavo dared to criticize. Ever, he'd been...in this mood.

"You okay?" Kendall said slowly.

"Yes, I'm _fine_." James replied, his voice low and somewhat harsh. He chewed his bottom lip, looking out the window. He just wanted to go home. Surely his friends would respect that. As his friends, shouldn't they understand when he feels like being alone? Right now was one of those times where he just wasn't feeling very social.

"Um, you know, I'm not really feeling well, so I'm just...I'm just gonna go." He murmured, getting up from the table. He didn't mean to act like a jerk or anything, but he was pretty sure he'd flip if he didn't get a break from Kendall "I'm Better Than You" Knight. Sometimes he felt like the guy rubbed his "awesomeness" in James's face.

Thank God that his house was only a short walk away. When he got there, he just punched the code in and watched the gates open, stepping onto the Diamond family property. He wasn't surprised when he saw that his mother's car was nowhere to be found. She was too busy trying to promote some new product of hers.

But the maid was there. Surprise surprise.

"James-"

"Not in the mood, Sonia." He muttered, walking up the stairs. When he got to his room, he shut the door and locked it, falling onto his bed. He had something else he needed to do, though. He sat up instantly and grabbed his computer, shooting a text to the adoptive mother of a little girl that meant so much to him.

He smiled weakly when the woman responded back, then he turned his Macbook on, going into Skype.

_"Hi, James! Brenna, can you say hi?" _

He chuckled as the ten month old baby girl merely stuck her fist in her mouth and looked at him.

"Hi, baby girl." He grinned, although he was hurting a lot more inside. Little Brenna was too young to understand.

He smiled, but blinked back tears, when the little girl squealed and touched the computer screen. He did the same, making it as though their fingers were actually touching. He missed this little angel, but what mattered to him is that he got to have even this little bit of contact with her. Just seeing her face and hearing her voice was all he needed.

"Brenna is going to work with mommy today!" Sarah, the girl's mom, explained. "The babysitter is ill, so she gets to be with me!"

"_She should be with ME." _James thought to himself, trying not to show his discomfort. Sarah and her husband were not Brenna's parents. Then again, no one knew where Brenna's real mother was, so maybe this wasn't such a bad thing. You know, her being given up for adoption. Her adoptive family lived in a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood and they treated her like their own. She deserved that.

"I guess we better get going." Sarah told him. "Brenna, say bye bye!"

"Bye bye." James said sweetly, waving. Brenna squeaked and hid her face, which kind of broke James's heart. It wasn't suppose to be like this. James probably wasn't even meant to be alive...

Then the video chat ended, leaving James in a deeper state of depression.

He wiped his eyes as he walked to the restroom, his eyes immediately landed on the medicine cabinet. He was tired. He was so, so tired. Maybe taking some Ambien would help him get some rest because he knew that he'd never be able to fall asleep on his own.

But as soon as he started to reach for the medicine cabinet, he pulled his hand back. No...no, not again.

So he left the restroom, lowering himself back onto his mattress.

_"Why can't you be more like Kendall?!"_

Yes, why couldn't he be more like Kendall? Kendall had a great life. He thought James had it so good? Yeah, he didn't even know. No one did. He'd put on a facade for his friends and everyone else around him because that was what was expected, for him to behave like the spoiled rich kid that couldn't possibly have it any better.

Then he felt the anger building up and he grabbed his pillow, throwing it across the room.

He choked back sobs as he lowered himself back down, holding his head in his hands. He could feel himself headed for another breakdown, similar to the very serious one he'd had just a few months ago, during a solo visit to Minnesota. It was almost sad that his friends still didn't know what had went on during his trip, why they'd had to put off recording for a whole month.

A workout.

That was what he needed.

A nice, _long _workout.

So he did what he always did when upset. He got changed into his black basketball shorts and black South Pole tee shirt, picking up his car keys and walking downstairs and out the front door. He'd found that workouts did wonders for his mood. Maybe that was what he needed to keep himself from...from doing _it _again.

At the gym, not too many people were there. A few, yes, but it wasn't crowded. This made it a lot more pleasant for James, not having a bunch of people around. He picked the punching bag as he chosen exercise for the day. After slipping his boxing gloves on, and with a tightly clenched jaw, he threw a hard punch at the bag, and another, and another, and another and another until his arms were sore from exhaustion.

**_Meanwhile_**

Kendall was right across the street, walking between Carlos and Logan on their way from some sports store that had just opened up.

"You guys as worried about James as I am? He's been acting different and not in the good way."

"Maybe it's that time of month." Carlos joked, earning a playful shove from Logan. Kendall didn't like that joke. Sure, he'd joked about James a few times himself, but now it just didn't seem like a good thing to do. Because James so frequently concerned himself with his appearance, there were obviously going to be a few jokes, but now Kendall felt like maybe their words were starting to affect their friend.

"Wait, isn't that James's car?" Logan wondered, looking across the street. Sure enough, James's blue Mercedes Benz was in a parking space in front of the local gym.

"Funny thing, James usually goes to the gym when something's bothering him." Carlos chuckled awkwardly.

"Um, I'll be right back." Kendall said before hurrying across the street. When he entered the gym, it didn't take him long to find his tall friend. However, he took a few minutes just to watch the boy, who was really hitting hard at the punching bag. And the only thing Kendall didn't understand was the tattoo on James's left arm. They'd tried many times to get him to explain why he had the name "Brenna" tattooed on him, but he always told them it was his cousin's name, but they had a feeling that he was hiding something.

"Jay?"

"What?!" James snapped, turning around. He gasped when his eyes landed on Kendall, who frowned at his friend's sudden mood swing.

"You're, um, really getting with it there, aren't ya?" He chuckled awkwardly.

"Yeah, sure, whatever." James said coldly, slipping his grey Nike hoodie on. Okay, where was this coming from? Why did he seem so angry all of a sudden? All week, he'd acted downright depressed and now he seemed to be more angry than depressed. What was gonna be next?!

"You okay? You've been a little...off this week." James only scoffed at that, muttering "no kidding?" as he walked toward the exit. Kendall was even more confused than before, instantly following James outside. Why the hell was James acting like this? What had happened? What had Kendall done that had made him so angry?

"I'm _not_ in the mood."

"Yeah, I can tell, but I don't care whether you're 'in the mood'." Kendall grabbed his shoulder before he could open the car door, making sure he couldn't get away. This conversation was _not _over. For days, Kendall had been watching James give him the cold shoulder and now he was determined to find out why.

"Of course you don't." James said through his teeth.

"Wha-James, you're crazy if you think that I don't care about you."

"Do you think you're better than me?"

"_What?!_"

"You heard me."

"James, why would you-What is that suppose to mean?"

"Just saying." James said as he yanked the car door open, putting his gym bag in the front passenger's seat. Kendall couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was torn between being really confused, really hurt, and really insulted. Oh, or just really annoyed. Where was this even coming from?

"Okay, get in the car." Kendall dragged him around to the passenger's side, opening the door. "We're gonna talk about this in private."

"FINE!" James yelled, shoving the keys into Kendall's hand and getting into the car. Kendall shot the boy a dirty look, getting behind the wheel. Then he backed out of the parking space, sending Logan a quick text before driving down the quiet street.

**Twenty minutes later**

"Alright, now tell me what the hell your problem is." Kendall said firmly.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"Kendall, I swear to God, if you don't let it go-"

"I'm not gonna let it go, James! Something is going on with you and I'm not gonna "let it go" until you tell me what's going on!" Kendall said, watching as James got out of the car. They were at the park now and there were hardly any people here right now. It was a good thing, considering the serious conversation Kendall planned on having with his best friend.

"Do you remember anything Gustavo said to me at the last recording session before vacation?"

"No? Jay, that was last week."

"Hmm, let's see, he said, and I quote, 'James, why can't you be more like Kendall?'."

Kendall inhaled. So that was what this was about. He should have spoke up, knowing good and well that such words would hurt James. Now he felt absolutely awful. How could he be so blind? James was a sensitive guy, even if he didn't like to admit it.

What he said next was a terrible idea, but sometimes he had hard time thinking before he spoke.

"Look, why do you even care? We all know that you're better than me anyway. Who cares what Gustavo thinks?"

"Do you _really _think I'm better than you?" James seemed genuinely upset now.

"Well-"

"Newsflash, I'm not." James growled, shoving past him. Kendall sighed and grabbed his friend's wrist, even more confused now. "Kendall, let go NOW."

"Not until you explain what you just said!"

"Okay! Whatever! Kendall, if you think that I'm so perfect, then you're wrong. Lemme tell you, you are damn wrong."

"Really? Give me one way that you're NOT better than me."

"Oh, I have THREE." James said angrily. "One: Brooke Diamond? She's NOT my real mom. She adopted me from a foster home when I was two. Two: You know that girl I dated last year? And then she disappeared and I pretended not to know why? She was pregnant with MY daughter and we gave _Brenna _up for adoption-"

_Brenna..._THAT was what the tattoo meant.

"And you know a few months ago when I went to Minnesota alone and ended up being gone for a month? Well, I was there because I tried to kill myself! I tried to overdose on damn sleeping pills!"

Kendall was shocked. No...all that...James, of all people, had been through all that. He didn't know what to do or say to help his friend. So he reached out to James, pulling the boy into a hug. He couldn't even begin to imagine how hard all that must have been for James. He wished that he could help in some way, any way that would make James feel better. Unfortunately, something told him that James had scars that wouldn't be healed that easily.

His heart nearly shattered when he felt his shirt becoming wet with James's tears.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered, rubbing the boy's back. "Hey, how about we go back to your place, you can get cleaned up, and we'll watch a movie or something?"

"Y-yeah." James pulled away, wiping his face with the sleeve of his hoodie. With that, Kendall led him back to the car, an unforgettable ache in his chest.

**Two hours later**

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was ashamed." James whispered. "I'd worked so hard to put together this perfect image and I always had this fear of it possibly falling apart and revealing, well, _this._"

"You shouldn't be embarrassed, Jay. Carlos, Logan, and I love you and...if you're hurting, we wanna be there for you."

James nodded, reaching into his wallet and taking out his favorite picture. As much as he had wanted to have custody of Brenna, he couldn't. He was too young and too immature to be a full time parent. However, he was happy that her adoptive family lived in Los Angeles, so he was able to sneak away to their house for frequent visits.

"Is that her?" Kendall said softly, looking over his shoulder.

"Y-yeah," James nodded. "That's my Brenna."

"She's beautiful." Kendall cooed.

"Yeah, she's amazing." James smiled to himself.

"Why did you try to-well, you know..."

James inhaled as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I...I felt ashamed of myself, for being such a liar, and I was exhausted from always putting on an act for everyone around me. I always put on an act and it...I was _tired_."

He was shaking as he felt Kendall's arms around him. For once in his life, he was letting someone in. For once in his life, he didn't feel afraid to be his real self. He was finally letting his guard down, allowing Kendall to break down those walls that he'd so desperately tried to build around him.

"We'll take care of you, Jay." His friend murmured. "And we'll never stop."

"Promise?" James whispered weakly.

"Of course." Kendall agreed. "Don't ever forget it."

"Okay," James said. "I won't...I never will."

* * *

**_*covers my face* _Sooo...reviews anyone?**


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